Stories & Perspectives

Mental health in high school and college

2 / 7

A difficult or stressful time

We moved my sophomore year in college and I attended a private school where everyone was very different than me (moved from north to Deep South -culture shock). The kids had all gone to school together since pre-k and were not particularly open to newcomers. My swimming career had always been an outlet but my swimming sort-of started to fall apart as well and I struggled to make friends there as well. Our coaches were training national team members so it was very intense with weigh-ins, constant performance reviews and criticism. School was an international school with mandatory AP classes for everything. My parents expected perfection in grades and swimming (I had previously been state champion for a few years in seven swimming events) national honors society student ect. I was doing swimming/workouts that were mandatory for 5 hours a day including weekends (only 3 hours) waking up at 4:30am and going to bed at 11pm. I look back and wonder how I did it all. I basically want to give myself a giant hug telling myself I didn't need to work so hard to be loved.

How many people had a true view of your mental health

No one

What was or would have been helpful

Kindness and a friend. I never really made friends in that high school or on that swim team.

What was not helpful

I don't think anyone knew I was exhausted and struggling. I felt like no one cared enough to dig deeper. My family motto is basically suck it up buttercup so I knew I couldn't say anything to my parents. I just kept going.

What has been instrumental to improving your mental health

Turning 50 and not giving a $@:! Anymore what other people think. Honestly, good friends and confidence have been tremendously helpful. I was always shrinking myself to not bother people.

What would you say to your younger self

You are enough.
What makes you different makes you special- your true people will find those weird parts amazing.
Don't work so hard - good enough is good enough.
All the extra work and worry doesn't get you any farther than those with a good enough attitude and good social skills. Take the risks because failure sometimes puts you on the right path.

Mental health in high school and college

5 / 7

A difficult or stressful time

In high school, I felt like there were some classes that I could keep up with assignments and deadlines, and other classes where I could not. I took on more than I had time or capacity for, but didn't realize until it was too late in the semester. Definitely felt overwhelmed by this. I think I mostly tried to deal with it by staying up late at night trying to catch up. I had some other big stresses in my life at the time, and schoolwork seemed like a good distraction at the time. Less so when it became overwhelming.

What was or would have been helpful

For this issue, I really would have benefited from someone suggesting that I pick a few classes to really challenge myself in but perhaps not all classes.

What has been instrumental to improving your mental health

Getting better sleep (starting with going to bed earlier), getting more exercise, and moving on from school to work (shifted after completing undergrad.)

What would you say to your younger self

Don't try to do *all* the things. Pick a few that you really enjoy, and go deep on those.

Mental health in high school and college

2 / 7

A difficult or stressful time

My junior year of high school was incredibly lonely, painful, stressful and difficult. I was suffering from major depression and anxiety, with the early signs of obsessive-compulsive disorder, with which I was diagnosed in college two years later. I saw a therapist, but he was not terribly helpful and actually compounded some of my problems. Ultimately, I pulled myself out of depression by working through it, by applying myself to get the academic results that eventually got me into Harvard. True healing came later with my (much better) therapist at the University.

How many people had a true view of your mental health

2-3 people

What was or would have been helpful

Friendship would have been invaluable. I was starved for human contact. Nobody at school knew me well, and therefore no one except one teacher and my guidance counselor understood what I was going through.

What was not helpful

My homophobic therapist! He was schooled in Freudian psychoanalysis and was full of out-of-date biases that were not helpful to the therapy.

What has been instrumental to improving your mental health

Therapy, psychiatric medication, friendship, love, and telling my story of recovery as a public speaker. The act of storytelling itself is therapeutic.

What would you say to your younger self

Hold tight. Don't do anything rash. Keep your nose to the grindstone and persevere. A better future is in store for you. Pursue relationships as well as achievement.

Mental health in high school and college

4 / 7

How many people had a true view of your mental health

No one

What was or would have been helpful

Actual regular discussions about mental health and regular counseling/talk therapy integrated into the overall health and wellness check up.

What was not helpful

Lack of discussion; the idea of toughing it out.

What has been instrumental to improving your mental health

Exercise, sports

What would you say to your younger self

Take risks and fail more often

Mental health in high school and college

6 / 7

How many people had a true view of your mental health

Many people

What was or would have been helpful

Mentorship / advice (big bother or dad). Self-help books.

What was not helpful

Figuring everything out by myself (especially around social or romantic situations)

What has been instrumental to improving your mental health

Therapy, mindfulness, psychedelic-assisted therapy

What would you say to your younger self

Read self-help books to better yourself and find shortcuts through life. Treat every rare piece of candid feedback as important and reflect & act on it.

Mental health in high school and college

5 / 7

A difficult or stressful time

Abuse in the house was hard to deal with. Church was my sanctuary.

How many people had a true view of your mental health

No one

What was or would have been helpful

Church and people there who saw me and listened to me was my answer. This can come in many other forms like teachers, counselors, therapists.

What was not helpful

Staying home alone.

What has been instrumental to improving your mental health

Mentors and teachers who spent time with me.

What would you say to your younger self

You don't have to feel like you need to earn someone's love. That isn't love. Love is free. Find the relationships where love is given freely, and not conditionally.

Mental health in high school and college

7 / 7

A difficult or stressful time

My first paper in college was returned with a D, which in hindsight might have been a generous grade. I had been overly confident and signed up for a Philosophy seminar class for Seniors despite being a freshman and never having taken Philosophy. I thought it sounded like a cool subject. I was in way over my head. I started to question whether I belonged in this college at all academically. I didn't get perfect grades in high school, but I found high school relatively easy. I hadn't yet learned to work at school the way college would require. Three things happened next:
1. I got back my first test in Physics (one of my stronger areas), and got an A. It balanced out the negative thoughts in my head about not belonging at all.
2. I stuck with the Philosophy Seminar. In hindsight, I don't know if this was the right choice. I probably should have changed to pass/fail or given up the class.
3. I started going to every office hours with the teaching assistants, getting their help with the work and the material (and trying to make up for the significant gap I had having not taken any of the pre-reqs for the course). I grinded my way to a C+ in the class, my only grade below a B (and I only had a handful of those). I learned a lot about myself in the process, and it helped me realize I could work my way to belong in a class even where I was over my head. I wouldn't be able to crush that class (at least not as a freshman), but I could belong.

Having the hindsight of 30 years now, I have rarely thought about my grade in Philosophy of the Mind (and never been asked about it), but I have thought about the struggle and the lesson often, anytime I feel like I don't belong or get imposter syndrome.

How many people had a true view of your mental health

2-3 people

What was or would have been helpful

I talked to my mom a bit, which helped to have that tether (and someone who I knew was on my side and would love me whatever the outcome). I also talked a lot with the people in my dorm. We would hang out in rooms and the hallway at all hours of the day, and I learned that everyone was going through their own journey of ups, downs, and adjustment. That helped me normalize what I was going through.

I was also fortunate to be at a university where people gravitated to it because they were curious and wanted to learn, and not because they were looking to burnish their resumes.

What was not helpful

The Professor was not helpful. He was awkward, didn't connect well with students, and should have seen my struggle and counseled me away from his class.

What has been instrumental to improving your mental health

Physical activity. I played 3 sports in high school, and played pick-up and recreationally in college. Having that outlet to combine focus, joy, and companionship was very helpful. I also found a group of friends where I could share the journey.

What would you say to your younger self

Keep at it, and everything will work out. Every wrong turn is just a step on the path to where you'll end up. Enjoy the journey and don't sweat the wrong turns too much.

Mental health in high school and college

5 / 7

A difficult or stressful time

I always struggled with the get down and do it mentality as a student. I believe they call that grit nowadays. I spent my emotional currency being fun, popular, liked by teachers and peers, but now looking back, I needed to focus more on my academics.

How many people had a true view of your mental health

2-3 people

What was or would have been helpful

More explicit teaching in how to be a good student and executive functioning skills. More understanding at a younger age how much your high school years will matter later in life.

What was not helpful

Being barked at.

What has been instrumental to improving your mental health

Being a life long learner. Undergrad and graduate school were a monumentally different, more positive experience.

What would you say to your younger self

Find a better balance between the fun and the work. Both are achievable if done right. Asking for help is a sign of strength not weakness.

Mental health in high school and college

3 / 7

A difficult or stressful time

Dating. I went to an all male high school, the "learning" of the dating process was stunted and the time when the natural blunders and behavior acquisition was bypassed. I gave up on dating in college and the one significant relationship occurred in medical school. Having said this, that one relationship has lead to a 50+ year marriage, 3 kids and 8 terrific grandchildren.

How many people had a true view of your mental health

2-3 people

What was or would have been helpful

Peer group in my scholarship jobs and my extracurricular activities.

What was not helpful

The "adults" outside of my parents. I was on a "mission" to succeed. My parents had sacrificed substantially from an economic point of view. I "owed " it to them to succeed.

What would you say to your younger self

Find a peer group, preferably outside of your main "environment" (college area of concentration, job etc) such as a church group, athletic endeavor and put real effort into building those relationships.

Mental health in high school and college

1 / 7

A difficult or stressful time

I felt like I couldn't control a lot of what was around me, and I didn't understand why accomplishing my "goals" (being a good student, getting a full ride to my top choice college, etc.) didn't make me feel any better. I ultimately was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and passive suicidal ideation (meaning I wasn't actively *trying* to commit suicide, but if I got hit by a bus and died I wouldn't care and wouldn't try to save myself).

How many people had a true view of your mental health

No one

What was or would have been helpful

Therapy and talking more to friends without being ashamed.

What was not helpful

My parents told me that therapy was for people who "weren't grateful for what they had" and that added a lot of embarrassment and shame for me (did not get help until college). I also spent a lot of time cutting myself, which temporarily made me feel in control but also made me feel horribly isolated.

What has been instrumental to improving your mental health

Therapy, consistent exercise (especially running), taking (prescribed) medications, being very vigilant about my sleep, cutting back on alcohol use, and starting every day with three things I am grateful for (and they are super basic, such as my dog, my friendships, and being able to financially support myself, stuff like that).

What would you say to your younger self

Sometimes you'll lose the will to live and you won't know why. But in those moments, remember that - no matter how permanent you *think* the feeling will be - I promise you that you will not always feel this sad and alone. And be proud of yourself, even if it's just getting out of bed that day…be proud of *something* you did that day.

Mental health in high school and college

6 / 7

A difficult or stressful time

I was on a sports team in college with a difficult coach who did not like me and dealt with it by refusing to engage with me or coach me. I dealt with it (not well) by getting very stubborn and refusing to quit. It is a sport I had no intention of playing after college and I do wonder why on earth is spent so much of my college time on a team where I was made so unwelcome.

How many people had a true view of your mental health

2-3 people

What was or would have been helpful

A trusted adult giving me some perspective and a trusted person my own age (probably my older brother) telling me it was ok to quit.

What was not helpful

Not talking to anyone about it.

What has been instrumental to improving your mental health

Experiencing other activities and areas where my participation was valued ( I.e., time and getting back on the horse).

What would you say to your younger self

College is full of amazing and fun opportunities - this is a great learning experience on how to stop something that does not serve you and try something else.

Mental health in high school and college

5 / 7

A difficult or stressful time

Being closeted throughout HS/college and struggling with my sexual identity. I largely hid myself because I was afraid I'd be ostracized if I came out (I only let a handful of close friends know once I felt comfortable they weren't homophobic). With that said, I don't think this issue had an overwhelming impact on my mental health, because I distracted myself with other stuff (classes, extracurriculars, etc.) and didn't think about it much. But when it did surface in my mind, it made me feel very stressed out/anxious.

How many people had a true view of your mental health

Many people

What was or would have been helpful

Meeting thriving older gay men with a more mature perspective who could tell me that being gay was neither an illness nor something I could/should fix.

What was not helpful

Staying stuck in my own head, making unfounded assumptions about homosexuality and what it meant for my life (vs. seeking expert perspectives).

What has been instrumental to improving your mental health

Having close friends with similar struggles I could confide in (gave me comfort I wasn't the only one).

What would you say to your younger self

The greatest freedom comes from realizing you don't need other people's approval. In fact, this is a crucial part of adult development.

Take control of your own life and do what you believe is right, not what others expect of you.

Mental health in high school and college

5 / 7

A difficult or stressful time

My freshman year of college, my father passed away suddenly and I had to leave campus during a critical week, causing me to miss my first midterms and a solo audition for my a-cappella group. When I came back to campus I felt like I was far behind everyone else, including socially. It seemed to me that friendship groups had solidified and I was left floating on my own. I ended up dropping a class to finish the semester on time and clung to my boyfriend and his friend group, since I didn't have a strong group of my own. I didn't get the solo I so badly wanted and that really stung me.

How many people had a true view of your mental health

Many people

What was or would have been helpful

It was very helpful that my college had resources I could leverage to travel home for my dad's funeral, since I had no money. My proctor was also an incredibly kind woman who helped me navigate finding the resources I needed to stay on campus and continue the semester.

What was not helpful

I'm not sure there was anything external that was unhelpful. I did feel like an outsider in my a-cappella group, and didn't make close friendships there, which I wish had been different.

What has been instrumental to improving your mental health

I'm not sure my mental health has improved, actually. I was very resilient as a teenager and young adult, mainly because I didn't care what others thought of me. As an adult, I still don't really care what others think of me, but I continue to judge myself harshly and it's very difficult to change that. I think I'm much lonelier now than when I was in high school or college and that's very hard.

What would you say to your younger self

You don't need to do ALL the reading (and you're going to forget most of it anyway)!

Mental health in high school and college

3 / 7

What has been instrumental to improving your mental health

Time to recognize the value I bring just from being me

What would you say to your younger self

Relax - the skies will clear, you are enough

Mental health in high school and college

6 / 7

A difficult or stressful time

Not getting into HBS, twice. Felt worse than it was. Issues in business, issues more real. Putting all the mental load on myself, having difficulty articulating it to others - in fact nothing to really do but internalize it and work the problems.

How many people had a true view of your mental health

2-3 people

What was or would have been helpful

More people who understood what I was going through - but it's very hard to do in practice.

What was not helpful

People who don't really understand, trying to give me advice. "If it's so bad and if you hate it so much, why not just quit your job?" That's unhelpful and doesn't solve the underlying issues.

What has been instrumental to improving your mental health

I'm not sure it's that much better. It's a little bit better. I've learned to just take the ups and downs with less emotion and physical toll, but it's still a struggle.

What would you say to your younger self

I'm not sure frankly. Keep battling!